Tuesday, June 10, 2008

proximity

next to this exit... I am waiting. For something. Maybe an opportunity? A knock from the other side?

I can feel the door, it is smooth to touch. As my fingers glide across it's surface, it tingles. Laughter bubbles from inside me, and warms me. It is so close! Yet I feel so far from it. From the other side, at least.

And I find a quantum of joy just resting here. The proximity of the door is a comfort, I hardly have words to describe this. Bearing intensity, casting soft smiles, encroaching... peace.


My heart leaps within me, I might try the handle! Test the lock, obtain a way out...
In this darkness though I cannot see if there is anything coating the handle to mar my hands, so I reach with fret and hope. Desire, selfish longing, and prayer. The dissonance of these clashing as possibly a very bad idea... but I am so close.

At first... a turn, and stop. Resistance. Another turn. Stop. Further. Stop. Few things beat more wildly than my heart. Few things have brought me closer to tears, closer to a sense of sufficiency. A half turn complete. Watery muscles prepare to pull... cracking the opening. Eyes wide...

Resistance. As if a deadbolt were in place. Despair.

A giggle echoes, fades. The resistance fades. The heavy door slides easily. But there is no light to see what is on the other side! The door now stands ajar, and in blackness I cannot see past... so I reach.

Cold, flat, hard. A wall! Stark, resolute, unyielding. Such things describe me, as well as this new barrier. Breathing deeply, searching for light, I despair. The door, the engrav├Ęd, held promise and deceit.

All consumed by two thoughts now racing... and I have no jurisdiction over which will land first and take root...

It... it isn't so dark here after all. I could yet rest forever. The prospect of an exit is more than I can further bear.

Did... the wall budge? Will time show it's demise? Can it be dismantled? Is this heartache worth it?

My insides a mess, torn and inconsistent, I ponder, and lament the future. Perhaps there is yet hope, so I will wait longer.

It isn't so dark..

Did it budge..?

sincerely,
inglorious


w/w

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