Tuesday, June 10, 2008

proximity

next to this exit... I am waiting. For something. Maybe an opportunity? A knock from the other side?

I can feel the door, it is smooth to touch. As my fingers glide across it's surface, it tingles. Laughter bubbles from inside me, and warms me. It is so close! Yet I feel so far from it. From the other side, at least.

And I find a quantum of joy just resting here. The proximity of the door is a comfort, I hardly have words to describe this. Bearing intensity, casting soft smiles, encroaching... peace.


My heart leaps within me, I might try the handle! Test the lock, obtain a way out...
In this darkness though I cannot see if there is anything coating the handle to mar my hands, so I reach with fret and hope. Desire, selfish longing, and prayer. The dissonance of these clashing as possibly a very bad idea... but I am so close.

At first... a turn, and stop. Resistance. Another turn. Stop. Further. Stop. Few things beat more wildly than my heart. Few things have brought me closer to tears, closer to a sense of sufficiency. A half turn complete. Watery muscles prepare to pull... cracking the opening. Eyes wide...

Resistance. As if a deadbolt were in place. Despair.

A giggle echoes, fades. The resistance fades. The heavy door slides easily. But there is no light to see what is on the other side! The door now stands ajar, and in blackness I cannot see past... so I reach.

Cold, flat, hard. A wall! Stark, resolute, unyielding. Such things describe me, as well as this new barrier. Breathing deeply, searching for light, I despair. The door, the engrav├Ęd, held promise and deceit.

All consumed by two thoughts now racing... and I have no jurisdiction over which will land first and take root...

It... it isn't so dark here after all. I could yet rest forever. The prospect of an exit is more than I can further bear.

Did... the wall budge? Will time show it's demise? Can it be dismantled? Is this heartache worth it?

My insides a mess, torn and inconsistent, I ponder, and lament the future. Perhaps there is yet hope, so I will wait longer.

It isn't so dark..

Did it budge..?

sincerely,
inglorious


w/w

Sunday, June 8, 2008

darkness, hesitation

O, how I have longed for what lies 'out' of this dark place, but never did this desire transfix me as it does now. This exit, the engrav├Ęd, is near! I have touched it, felt it. It bears warmth and promise. But what is on the other side?

A wasteland, perhaps. Scorched earth, jagged dissonant skies, no solitude. This I fear, this I hope is far from me! Perhaps, then, comfort lies beyond this exit, and cool breezes, flocking wildlife.

I lament that nothing can show me and absolve this anxiety, short of committing to open the door. Should it even be unlocked. This also I yet do not know. Now that I have reached this far, the exit may not permit me freedom. Perhaps it is looking for another to open it.
O how my heart beats, how I must realise I have longsufferance, and steadily grasp the handle to liberate me.

Let me inform you of something else, while I came closer to the exit, as I first was able to graze it, how a portion of its warmth seeped in, the blackness of this place swarmed in. Engulfing, it made the darkest night seem day. I could have held pitch in a vessel to shed light on my path.

And I am not sure what this trial means. Time, the arbiter and enemy, will tell. If only I could pass company with another...

I implore you to plumb the depths of thought, friends. May your contemplation prove fruitful.
And I prithee to include me if you might, in the depths of your minds.

Yours,

w/w